crystal rhino

Pepsi was ahead of its time in 1991.

PS When will someone pay me to write this kind of copy? Each type change costs extra 100 bucks. That's included in my fee. Didn't read the fine print, did ya?

dream job

Had me hooked from the first line "OCP, a leading international publisher of Catholic music and worship resources..."

Application already submitted. Fingers crossed, but I can always fall back on their available Inventory Control Analyst position.

strike at the cracker factory

With all the hub-bub about the Writer's Guild strike, I have heard nothing about the under publicized strike in the cracker industry. But I have seen evidence that it's happening.

For a while now, I've been questioning the reputation of Cheez-Its. I think their quality control guy took off months ago. Those little baked orange goodies have been showing up brown on the underside. Someone is letting those wee suckers cook too long and that leaves a foul, burnt taste in my mouth.

And now even the uppity, "melt-in-your-mouth" gourmet crackers by Breton were a tad too toasty on the backside.

The proof is in the boxes ladies and gentlemen. And it's not going to get solved on its own. Write your senator. We've got to fix this dilemma before it gets any worse.

no oranges allowed

Who gave orange juice the right to be called orange?

There's plenty of other fruit and vegetable concoctions out there with an orange color. And many of these don't involve Orange as a crucial element. Just take anything with carrots in it for example. There's also orange drink, Fanta and Hi-C, all of which are made with no oranges.

And what about Pumpkin. Didn't anyone remember that he's orange too?

Now, you tell me who came first: Orange or Carrot? It's been widely disputed throughout the ages, and I think we can agree that both have been around for a pretty long time.

Let's look at the facts. Not all oranges are even orange. Oranges cover the whole red to yellow spectrum. From blood to Sunny D. And when you look at the juice, a lot of the time the color is not even a TRUE orange. Often, it toes the orange line, looking more like it has been diluted with some pee yellow rendering it only a light orange. Now carrot juice... that my friend is a TRUE DEEP, RICH ORANGE that you can get lost in.

Take a look into any Carrot's family root. Let's just see how many of them are orange. EVERY SINGLE DAMN ONE. Every brother, sister, mother, father, grandfather, and great-grandmother is ORANGE. We're all orange. So who gave orange the right to be called orange?!?!

Sincerely,

Caviling Carrot

toothpaste

Dear Crest,

As an innovator in toothpaste technology and futuristic toothpaste formula, why mess with something when you already got it right? Why change the packaging design? Why change the formula?

On to the Crest Pro-Health formula:
#1 Why change the tried and true packaging that has served consumers for years to this new-fangled design? I like my toothpaste on my brush, not on the inside of the cap. This new design is just a mess, and there's toothpaste everywhere.

#2 The Crest Pro-Health formula is too thick. I can hardly squeeze it out of the tube. And it's difficult as hell to push that extra little bit up from the bottom of the tube. It's got a funny texture too... kinda grainy, like sand in my mouth. But I guess it does leave my mouth feeling clean, if not a bit odd or different than normal.

I understand that you're trying to be innovative, find a new niche in the toothpaste market, differentiate your brand from every other toothpaste brand that tries to accomplish the same exact thing as you. You want to be the dentists' number one recommended brand. We all do.

But for Crest, or anyone else for that matter, it's about building brand loyalty. That's what separates a Crest buyer from a Colgate or even store-brand buyer. I like Crest, I've used it forever. Why? I couldn't tell ya. I guess it's what my parents bought or it's the brand they sold at the dentist's office. Am I strictly loyal to Crest? Nope. While living abroad, I tried some other brands that were cheaper or more readily available. Do I like Crest? Yep. But stick to the original formula... this new one is just not for me.